Here’s the thing. We want the beard because let’s be honest- it’s trending but also really effing awesome that it’s trending because (enter man grunt) we are men and there’s something about that facial hair that catches your food and sweat. However, not all of us are gifted with a thick, long, awesome beard. Alas, some men have the thin beard hair that makes them look like that middle school kid that hit puberty too early and had those few hairs. There’s just something wrong with it.
If that’s you- if your beard hair just isn’t up to snuff know that it’s not your fault, and there’s hope. We did some digging around and found ways that you can thicken the beard naturally, and even for free. Are you ready? Good. Let’s do this.
- Sharpen your hatchet with a river stone, then shave with said hatchet.
If you don’t have a hatchet, that could be part of the problem. We’re going to assume you have one because that’s just something men have and women love. Now- go find a river. Make sure it’s really remote and hard to get to. Then grab a river stone and start sharpening that hatchet. I’m sure it’s dull from all the use it’s had. Once the hatchet is sharpened, shave the beard off with it- WITH COLD WATER. Yes, you heard right.
Now, why am I telling you to do all this? Because I promise you (not really though.. I don’t promise sh*t)– that beard hair will grow back so think nobody will ever mistake you for a hipster again.
- Moose Urine
Alaskans have been using this tried and true method for ages. Find fresh Moose urine and rub it all over the beard. If you can bring some home with you, and rub it in a few times a week it will work even better.
- Don’t wash it
Look- we know it gets food in it and can get a little greasy looking. But all those products with chemicals will thin the hairs and just completely ruin it. You don’t want straight beard hair that someone could braid. You want it all twisted and gnarly looking. So skip the products and washing. Let that bad boy just be.
- Coconut Oil
Don’t judge. It works. Lather that stuff all over it every night and sleep in that awkward goodness. Your lady might even like the smell and cuddle with you a bit more. We’re not making promises but it could happen…
- Start Eating Meat if you’re not (here’s to looking at you Portlandia)
Meat is good for the body. We need the nutrients in it, and so does our beard hair. The fat in meat, the iron. Protein and everything else will help work from the inside out and give you some seriously healthy looking beard hair!
So go get your hatchet, get out in the woods, hunt, eat your kill, and sleep with some coconut oil in the beard. You’ll come home with a deeper voice, thicker beard AND chest hair, and with a lot more confidence. You’re welcome.