It’s almost time. It’s almost that season where were we, er, our beards shine and prove their worth. It’s almost that time of the year where people don’t wonder anymore if this is some trend and instead they see that beards have an actual purpose. Fall, and then winter, are upon us. I can almost smell the number two pencils my wife purchased for the school supply list, and it feels good. Te beard, like a best friend, smells like lead and wood. Like freshly chopped wood. The freshly cut wood we chopped for the fire to keep warm on our hunting trip. Men, it’s time to prepare for cold dewy mornings in the forest, wood chips in your beard from all that wood chopping, and of course- making sure it smells like the forest, so we don’t give off our scent.
To help you and your beard prepare for hunting season, fall, winter, and all the in betweens here are four things I do every fall to get ready for what lies ahead. You might think it’s a bit overboard, but so are some of your beards so chill out. Alright, let’s do this.Stop 1. Stop trimming
1. Stop trimming
Yeah. Just stop ok? We no longer care about the overall look of the beard because we need it to be as natural and big as possible. If you plan on hunting, you’re going to want that beard just a mess. You don’t have time to worry about how it looks and any products that shape it or tame it likely have scents that our kill will smell. So back away from the trimmers and products and let it go.Stop using scented ANYTHING on the beard (and entire body)
2. Stop using scented ANYTHING on the beard (and entire body)
We’re not saying most of you will be hunting or in the woods, but we are saying most of you should be. And that means, to be stealthy as possible, you’re going to need to stop using that lavender soap the wife buys and find some unscented stuff. Maybe even some charcoal soap (yeah it’s a thing) or just avoid soap altogether. The wife will be pushing you out the door to get that meat; it will be epic.
3. Do not buy flannel (thanks, Hipsters)
Lest you be confused as pretty boy in a man’s body, we suggest you avoid all flannel until this Hipster trend has died down. Real men don’t go trendy. Real men don’t listen to what’s in and don’t give AF. Real men get their hands dirty and fart. And yes, real men also love their wives and let their daughters do their hair (beard too), but we just can’t risk you being mistaken as a Hipster. ACDC shirts are appropriate, old military unit shirts from the good old days, anything with weapons, and any Perry Ellis colored shirt will do (for the dressier occasions)
4. Work on your crazy eyes, it scares your kids’ friends season
Prom. Homecoming. School drop off and pick up (yes, the bearded man is all about sharing the kid duties). Because of this, it’s time to work on your crazy eyes. Practice in the mirror or with some unsuspecting kids walking to school, and most importantly use them on any boy that comes close to your daughter and girl that comes close to your son (they belong to Mom until she approves of a suitable wife, mmmmk). Have fun with it. Name the faces you make, own it. Video record the reactions. And get ‘em, tiger!